Cutting Back on Backtalk TalkRAY GUARENDI
Dear Dr. Ray: My five children are ages fifteen, fourteen, eleven, nine and six. Their personalities are all very different. One thing they all do, though, is talk back. Itís the source of most of our arguments.
Since your youngsters fall into two age groups ó the preteen and the teen, let's talk backtalk for two visits, this time for younger kids, next time for older kids, maybe spouses.
Basic backtalk comes in two types: grumble talk and nasty talk. Grumble talk is clearly the more benign. It is essentially Polly's editorial comment about the way you're raising her or running the house: I'm just a slave around here. How'd you keep the house clean before I was born?; This is the fourth time this week I've had to hang up my coat; You never let me look at you like that when I was two. How come he gets away with it?
Grumble talk isn't usually disrespectful. It's more of a whiney, maybe feebly provocative attempt to pull you into an argument. Since it takes two to tangle, if you ignore it, most grumble talk will die out from lack of fuel. Quietly shrug off Polly's complaining, so long as she is hanging up her coat for the fourth time this week or is doing the slavish work you ask of her. Fill the dog's water bowl again? How can you drive her so hard? Sometimes, what can you really say? Maybe she is the only ninth grader in school who has to do her homework before she does her nails.
Grumble talk doesn't typically escalate into verbal warfare if you can develop an attitude of, "You can express your opinion, as long as it's not disrespectful or nasty, and as long as you meet your responsibility." In other words, if Polly is doing what you ask, you can't always expect her to happy about it.
Whereas grumble talk generally can be soothed with little response, nasty talk requires action. Nasty talk is abusive, disrespectful or directly challenges your rights and authority: Don't tell me what to do; You're stupid if you think I'm going to do that; Get off my back; I don't have to listen to you, just shut up.
One good way to discriminate between nasty talk and grumble talk is to ask yourself: How would I react to this if it came from another adult? Nasty talk is talk that doesn't keep people friends very long. Nasty talk is not expressing feelings. It is verbal meanness. And the younger a child is when he learns to control it, the better for him and others. All kids misbehave. But nasty talk, if left uncurbed, feeds on itself and can become a chronic challenge to your right to discipline in your child's best interests.
Consequences for nasty talk need to be firm and certain. Here are suggestions for kids between ages three and twelve.
Which consequences you use depend upon your child's age and your preference. The content of your sentences or whether you choose a dining room chair over a corner is not nearly as important as your predictability. Your consequences are automatic.
Lastly, remember, what is nasty talk is your judgment, not Gabby's. Debate it with him and he'll give you that dumbfounded look that says, "What? I didn't say anything. What tone of voice? My lips never moved."
Ray Guarendi "Cutting Back on Backtalk Talk." kidbrat.com.
Reprinted with permission of Ray Guarendi.
Raymond N. Guarendi, aka Dr. Ray, is a practicing clinical psychologist and authority on parenting and behavioral issues active in the Catholic niche media. Guarendi is an advocate of common sense approaches to child rearing and discipline issues. Guarendi received his B.A. and M.A. at Case Western Reserve University in 1974, and his Ph.D. at Kent State University in 1978. He is the author of You're a better parent than you think!: a guide to common-sense parenting, Good Discipline, Great Teens, Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It; Straight Answers to Hearfelt Questions, Discipline that lasts a lifetime: the best gift you can give your kids, and Back to the Family.
Copyright © 2001 Ray Guarendi
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